Birthin Babies

Recently I was thinking about the process of giving birth, possibly because my friend Jen is about to give birth for the first time. The idea of what physically happens when you have a baby is completely ludicrous when you think about it. As my friend Lynn always says "the stork is actually more believable." To me, the idea that a baby came out of there is about as likely as my husband saying "I sneezed the other day and a grapefruit came out."

When I was 15 they made us take health class at GBS. Health class was a mixture of boring and terrifying all rolled up into one. I must have been very suggestible and for me, health class accomplished what it was probably supposed to. For example, I became very afraid that if I ever tried drugs, I would either overdose or become addicted, so I steered clear of that mess.

One day they showed us a graphic movie of a lady having a baby, it was terrible! We all, boys and girls alike, walked out of there with post traumatic stress syndrome on some level. I remember thinking "I'll never do that, she lost all her dignity!" It seems odd to me now how much dignity I must have possessed at age 15 and how afraid I was of losing it. They also made us take a Scantron sex survey; I remember I was sick the day of the Scantron sex survey so I had to take it the next day, in the middle of class, while everyone else discussed acne or something. I was sitting next to this burn-out who made random comments like "kinda intense, huh" while I filled in the dots with my number two pencil. Question 6: "How far have you ever gone?" a) french kissing b) second base c) all the way! d) Cleveland. If someone asked me to fill out a survey like this today, I would tell them it's none of their business. But when I was 15 I was a rule follower and it never occurred to me to tell the teacher he had no right to ask me these questions and I was under no legal obligation to answer them. I do remember thinking "Where is the ACLU when you need them?" But they were off making sure the Nazi's could march in Skokie or prisoners had their constitutional right to HBO or some such nonsense.

Anyhow I'm off track. It is true in fact that I lost all my dignity when I gave birth. After about the third resident, who I had never laid eyes on in my life, came in to check the progress of my cervix, I realized I didn't give a hoot who saw what, which I suppose is a sign of a complete loss of dignity. Or it's a sign that you're a porn star, I don't know for sure. I didn't watch the actual birth of my 3 kids and yes it was a total miracle and to this day, I still think the stork dropping them off seems like a more likely story.